Uncle Jack: Blog

I am probably not going to feel like writing for awhile due to an upcoming series of radiation treatments (prostate, extremely treatable, but perhaps debilitating) and whatever energy I have will have to go to my real job, i.e., writing for money. So I thought I would do a post about style and leave a bad taste in folks' mouths.

There are a couple of unfortunate things about style. One is that unless you take a course in writing, it rarely gets taught in school these days, and the other is that styles and concepts of correctness vary, to a degree, depending on the kind of writing. What could be incorrect, or at least undesirable, in formal writing might be appropriate in some more informal case, and vice-versa. There are, however, certain things that qualify as undesirable in most cases, and I will be bitching about a few of them in this post.

1. UNNECESSARY MODIFIERS (adverbs and adjectives).

As you may recall from English class, adjectives tell which, what kind or how many. Some examples are words (and sometimes phrases) such as beautiful, numerous, more skilled than, and so forth. The biggest problem writers seem to have with adjectives is using too many of them, or using the same ones over and over again. (If you use too many it becomes difficult to avoid repetition, another reason to use them less rather than more.)

Not so good:

- gorgeous, tall, busty blonde;

- glorious, luscious, large* tits;

- delirious, wide-eyed, ecstatic bliss.

You get the idea.

Good:

- gorgeous, tall OR tall, busty;

- big, glorious tits OR big luscious tits;

-delirious, wide-eyed bliss.

Extra credit: Why didn't I use delirious, ecstatic bliss?

*Parenthetically, I have a vendetta against "large." Unless you are describing a clothing size, 'big" is almost always better. Would you rather play with large tits or big tits? It is certainly a matter of taste (I prefer small), but I would generally choose the word with more punch.

Adverbs tell us who, what, when, where, why and how. They generally present the same problems as with adjectives: trying to cram too much description into one sentence.

- Hank put on the condom quickly, carefully, and snugly. (Dump at least one of the three, your choice.)

- The crash happened so suddenly and violently that Missy was completely disoriented. (Maybe all three, but try it with one or two instead.)

Without going on and on, you can see what I am getting at here. Too many modifiers make sentences clumsy and difficult to read, and can often detract from the idea rather than enhancing it. As a general rule choose them carefully, and unless absolutely necessary, try to stick with one at a time.

A few words about creating adverbs. It's easy to form adverbs by adding "ly" to words, adverbially speaking, but be careful.

- John ran fast, not "fastly."

- Shanae walked onto the stage looking gorgeous, not "gorgeously."

If it a sentence seems to read oddly, rewrite it completely. Do not try to patch and fix.

2. OVERLY FLORID WRITING

These are often cases of trying to cram too much information into a sentence or paragraph, or perhaps misguided attempts to sound literary. We need to keep in mind that what sounds just fine in our own heads will not necessarily translate clearly into the written word. Imagine if you tried to express the constant thoughts that run through your head exactly as they are, without organizing them. That would be unfriendly to your readers in the extreme (adverbial phrase).

Ernest Hemingway won a Nobel Prize with spare, punchy sentences. Read a few paragraphs of Hemingway and reflect.

Here are some examples, along with some slangy writing that could be vastly improved. I'm sorry to inform you that I did not make these up.

- Stunningly gorgeous blonde babe of a sex toy.

- ...arched her back beneath me, thrusting those glorious tits against my naked chest while she moaned in ecstatic bliss.

- ...made my balls evacuate their contents into the deepest recesses of her womb.

- ...filling up her womb with every little tadpole I could manage.

- I clutched her body with savage power, holding my pelvic bone against her crotch as the diluvial torrent of jism poured forth.

At least he didn't think he was pouring it into the deepest recesses of her womb, which is physically impossible in human beings.

I imagine this will sufficiently annoy the readers (especially if they are guilty), so I'll close.

For God's sake, people! It's "I couldn't (could not) care less," not "I could care less."

The latter implies that in fact you do care. Couldn't care less, not could.

Got it?

Herewith, and posted today (A Day In The Park), a bit of change in direction. I've no intention of doing away with the sexy stuff, but I thought I'd post some other things: short stories, essays, and so forth that I've written over the years. Some are pretty personal; some are fiction; some are opinions that readers may or may not agree with.

As the wise old country boy said, "That's what makes for good horse races -- differences of opinion." We'll see. Most of the new stuff (with perhaps exceptions) will have no sex at all, but so it goes. If I have to write about sex exclusively to attract readers, I guess I'll be out of luck. ;-)

Foreword:

As is the case with most rules, as opposed to laws, these are "made to be broken." However, as I've told a couple of generations of students, it is best to understand a rule thoroughly before deciding to break it. As in the rest of life, carelessness in doing so can lead to trouble.

I have Dr. George Cutler, Professor of English and my former advisor at the University of Kentucky, to thank for much of this wisdom. I have tried to pass it on to my own students over the years. Do with it as you will.

1. Avoid expressing things in ways that distract the reader. Try to keep your ego out of the way. If you have something worth saying, your material will take care of itself. Remember that you are initiating a dance with the reader, who is just as important to the performance as you are. Strive for clarity. Make the reader comfortable. Clarity should be your watchword, and keep in mind that what is clear to you may not be so to your readers. Think about what you are writing as it will be read by others.

2. Eschew overly-ornate verbiage. Write naturally. If you have to search for words, it will be obvious to your readers that you have overreached. Try not to sound like an egghead.

3. All writing deserves an outline, however brief, even if it is only in your head. Give some thought to how you will express your ideas. Know your subject! Nothing distracts a reader like a fact that you get wrong and they didn't.

4. Don't overwrite. Direct descriptions are best, if they are adequate for the job. Learn about similes and metaphor, then use them with great care. They can illuminate writing, but only if used sparingly.

The sun rises in a cosmic explosion, spreading its fire across the sky as Apollo's chariot commences its journey toward the zenith. NO!

". .the dawn comes up like thunder...." YES!

(Mandalay, by Rudyard Kipling)

Stupendously gorgeous - No...just...no.

Beautiful - yes.

5. If at all possible, avoid repetition , especially in your descriptions. Readers will notice. They will be annoyed. They will skip over those portions of the narrative, or find something else to read. If you have previously mentioned that your hero has a seven and three-quarters inch appendage of some sort, it is not necessary to mention the length again for at least 50,000 words.

6. Don't be too impressed by comments and reviews. They rarely reflect accurately the quality of your writing. Most reviews come from people who either loved the piece, for whatever reasons, or who hated it. Most haters move on early, and most of the folks in the middle don't bother to write reviews. That leaves the results skewed toward the positive. Your critics may have valuable opinions. Do not discount those that seem well-reasoned, but remember the old saying: Those who can, do. Those who can't...become critics.

When writing your own comments and reviews, remember that sucking up instead of being honest does the writer no good at all. Conversely, if being critical, remember to always find something good to accompany the criticism. The person you're commenting about is far more likely to pay attention instead of blowing off "that asshole."

7. Revise and rewrite, then do it again. Your readers' time is their most valuable commodity, and they are spending it on your work. You owe them the best you can produce. All good writers revise. Good enough is not sufficient. After many years of use this article is in its twentieth revision at least and I found some things to improve while posting this version.

8. Know your subject, especially here. Everyone thinks they are experts on sex, but many who write in this genre clearly lack practical experience and were educated by rumors.

Your hero is NOT squirting his seed into her womb. It is anatomically impossible without surgery.

The hymen is in front of the vagina, not inside.

Revolvers do not have safeties that need to be released except for one type that was made about a hundred years ago.

Do some research. Use reliable sources, not things that you remember hearing around the schoolyard or that "everybody knows."

9. Duckduckgo.com is your friend.

10. It is safest to assume that the readers know at least as much about a subject as you do. Do your research. One assertion that will not withstand scrutiny can destroy your credibility with all but the least critical, most gullible readers. That is especially true in technical areas such as military and firearms, flying, law enforcement and investigation, physics and chemistry (think bomb-making).

Example: There is no handgun -- not even a .44 Magnum like Dirty Harry's -- that will knock an adult down with one shot. there are no rifles smaller than a .50 BMG that will do it with reasonable regularity, although with any good hit disruption of the central nervous system may cause reflexes that make it look that way. If the gun were that powerful, it would knock the shooter down, too. Remember Newton: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. (I'll be happy to argue this point if anyone cares to question it. I was only a college professor for 31 of my 76 years.)

11. If a reader does not understand a word, it distracts them from the story. Keep your language simple. Fancy prose is hard to read. Avoid words like "prose" unless your discussion requires them. "His writing sings of the sea" is more effective than "His prose sings of the sea." Save the flowery language for poetry, and be careful even then.

Unless it is not possible for technical reasons, use language that any reader will understand without needing a dictionary. In some cases a glossary would be polite.

12. Stay away from weak words like "very," "rather," "funny," "pretty, "large," and their kin. They make your writing wimpy, and rarely tell the readers much that they need to know.

Which example has the most punch? Which gives the most "bang for the buck?

Meghan couldn't keep her eyes off Paige's large tits, or

Meghan couldn't keep her eyes off Paige's big tits?

Which do you prefer, large ones or big ones?

13. Be extremely careful about changing tense. If you are not sure what I mean by that, we have present tense (I am washing the dog), past tense (Yesterday I washed the llama), and past participle (Often I have washed the Ferrari after transporting the dog and llama). It's fine if you want to ignore the past participle and&nbsp; more confusing tenses for the purpose of this discussion. I have difficulty keeping track of the others, and I used to teach this stuff.</p><p>But do keep track of whether you are writing in the present or the past. Mixing those up in the same story can be confusing.

</p><p>"I'm sitting in this bar. The Pope, the Lubavitcher Rabbi and the Ayatollah Khomeini walk in. 'Oh, crap,' I thought to myself, 'this looks like the start of a really bad joke!'"

</p><p>See what I did there? Okay...just...never mind.</p><p>Joking aside, there are good reasons, such as flashbacks, to use different tenses. It is, however, rarely okay to use them by accident.

</p><p>13a. Be a communicator first, a comedian second. "Open up a can of whoop-ass" is amusing in conversation (once or twice, perhaps), but has no place in any but the most informal writing, or in dialog. Even informally, try to use expressions that are new if not original, and only if your piece is frankly for the amusement of the reader and yourself.

14. Non-standard and incorrect spelling interrupt the flow of your writing while the readers do double-takes. Both mark you as a lite-wate, and few readers will get past the first pages. Use your spellchecker.

15. Use explanations and modifiers sparingly. Write "Tom retorted," instead of "Tom said, angrily." If motivation isn't clear from the context, make it so. Words that specifically describe a circumstance - "Tom retorted, haltingly" - can be exceptions, but be careful.

16. Instead of modifiers, choose your words carefully so that they don't require embellishment. It is easy to pile on adjectives, adverbs and modifying phrases in an attempt to enhance your writing. It rarely works and you run the risk of developing repetitive patterns. If you don't know what those things are, look them up. You need to know.

17. You can easily create your own adverbs by adding "ly" to any adjective or participle. Please don't. Please don't dress up words such as much and over by adding "ly", as in muchly and overly. It is poor writing, and it sounds silly.

18. "Quotes" are for "quotations," not for "emphasis," nor for "alerting" people to how "clever" you are.

"Read my lips: no new taxes!" is a quotation. The others are not.

19. If you feel you must show emphasis, use italics. Better yet, allow the readers to figure out what is important for themselves. Don't insult their intelligence. That goes double for caps. You will get used to it.

20. Fancy words will annoy your readers all the way to the dictionary. If you wouldn't use a word or phrase in ordinary speech, you probably shouldn't use it in your writing. This should not in any way be construed to imply that all ordinary speech is acceptable in writing.

21. Avoid dialect unless you know it well. If done badly, it will sound silly to those who know. At worst, it may make you seem ethnically prejudiced. The thing about dialect is that it is regional. There are 19 recognized regional dialects in the lower 48 United States, and that doesn't include ethnic speech. You may be writing in Louisiana Southern and make perfect sense to yourself. That doesn't mean that the reader will recognize the authenticity, or accept that you are not making fun of someone's ethnic origin.

22. When you begin to have trouble with a sentence, throw it away and rewrite; don't try to salvage it. Many times you will find that the idea can be better expressed by a couple of shorter sentences.

NO: Long, complicated sentences that seem to go on forever in a style reminiscent of Steinbeck (who wrote Grapes of Wrath) are difficult to read and understand no matter how correct they may be grammatically unless we are masters of descriptive language as Steinbeck was, and since that is rarely the case, most of us would do well to resort to shorter sentences since our readers may be less skilled at deciphering such garbage than we are.

YES: Hemingway wrote short, declarative sentences. Emulating his style could pay off. Certainly it will make your readers happier.

23. Avoid opinions unless you are writing an opinion piece or editorial. Otherwise they intrude. That's my opinion, anyway. Oh, and never preach to your readers. If you have to vent, write an essay instead of fiction.

24. Jargon, technical terms, acronyms and abbreviations are troublemakers. You cannot be sure that their meanings will be clear to all your readers. Abbreviations and acronyms can work if they are introduced along with their meanings and used sparingly.

When using place names, consider indicating where or in what state the places are: Charleston, South Carolina, Charleston, Kentucky, Charleston, Nevada, or the other 27 Charlestons, for example. I know that this reader would appreciate it!

The International Association of Law Enforcement Firearms Instructors (IALEFI) announced today that it was…. How well would that have gone without the explanation? Be merciful to your readers.

Better known examples (USN, CBS, NASA) may not require this treatment. When in doubt, opt for clarity over convention.

25. Foreign words and phrases distract and confuse readers. They can make it seem that you are talking down to them, styling yourself a soi-disant intellectual. Use them seldom, if at all.

That said, due to history and proximity, some areas have incorporated bits of other languages into everyday speech. For example, British English takes for granted many French words and phrases, such as en suite, and others such as cliché, rendezvous and chauffeur have become integrated into English almost universally. Other obvious examples include the incorporation of many Spanish words and phrases in the US Southwestern dialect. Thus, there is no clear line that separates foreign and domestic words in many cases. Just be sure the words you use are well understood in your own area and hope for the best.

26. Slang is not universal, and thus lends itself poorly to the written word outside of dialog. Words and expressions used in conversation change much faster than those used in writing. This is partly due to the liquidity of language, but also to the fact that most writers prefer their writing to be understandable over the long run.

"I am so not happy with you," when inflected orally, is at least clear. When written, it is clumsy. It is also poor syntax. "Hood" (as in questionable neighborhood) is a good example of a slang word that may or may not survive. If nothing else, slang is sure to date your writing. You can do better.

27. Stick with universally accepted forms. Affectations such as e.e. cummings' avoidance of capitals and James Joyce's streams of consciousness are risky. Remember that cummings and Joyce are admired by many, but avoided by millions.

28. Always consider your readers' comfort and convenience, but write for yourself. When you try to write what you think your readers want to hear, you lose spontaneity and flirt with disaster. If you doubt that, listen attentively to any political speech.

The above is particularly true of writing about sexual situations. If you try to tart them up with "dirty" words or lots of "Ahhhhhhh" and "Ungggggh", it will not only get old in a hurry but - again - the old repetition can easily slide in so that all of your characters sound the same when they climax.

I may add to this as I become more accustomed to the issues surrounding the type of writing on this site. In the meantime...

MANY YEARS AGO there lived in the village of Ithaca a wizard who toiled at a small school called Cornell. He was a professor of English and Creative Writing. His name was Strunk. In an attempt to reveal the magical secrets of his craft, he created a small grimoire - a compendium of spells that his apprentices could use to push aside the mists and confusion of their writing. He called it The Elements of Style.

Some years later a former apprentice named White, by then himself a scribe of some repute, was engaged to update the little book. For many years, Professor Strunk's original version had been a standard text at Cornell and many other oases of learning. White made some few changes in the original, added spells of his own, and the book was republished under both their names.

The Elements of Style, by William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White (Fourth Edition) is still available for less than ten dollars. Get it. Memorize it. Give it to your fellow scribes. Praise it to the heavens. It is - in my not at all humble opinion - the best bang for ten bucks that a writer can get.

And always remember: Duckduckgo.com is your friend.

Well, here we are again.

Of the seventeen comments about my previous (and first) post, all were unanimous in agreeing that good writing clearly does not come easily for all of us. That is certainly no reason to stop writing, but for the sake of those of us who are reading a bit of attention to detail (and fact) might be in order for some.

The biggest bitch, by far, among the comments was about the location of the hymen. So I present, herewith, a quick overview (you wish, don't you) of that elusive bit of tissue.

A female human's
rel="nofollow">hymen (cherry) is located in front of the vaginal opening at the base of the inner lips (labia minora). It covers the entrance to the vagina. There is an opening in the middle that can range from a few millimeters (rare) to practically the entire width of the vaginal vestibule.

The presence of a hymen was for thousands of years the very definition of virginity. However, with the advent of female participation in sports and other active ventures over the past decades, the hymen is frequently ruptured "prematurely." Therefore, in Western cultures, virginity is generally considered to persist until the vagina itself has been penetrated by a penis.

Please note: You cannot pop your mushroom head* into the entrance of the vagina or beyond without first breaking an existing hymen. The mistaken understanding of the hymen's location is one of the sure signs of a writer who knows very little about the subject of intercourse beyond some vague idea of putting tab A into slot B.

Don't continue to embarrass yourself by proxy. Check out the drawing I linked to and get it right next time.

*While we're at it: why not lose the "mushroom head" thing entirely. It's old and worn out, and it wasn't a very good trope to begin with.