The Privy Report - Cover

The Privy Report

Copyright© 2022 by Old Grey Duck

Chapter 1

“Here I sit, broken hearted, came to poop and only farted.”

Hello there! Taking a quick break at work? Okay. We will make this brief enough that the manager doesn’t wonder about you not slaving away at your work station. Since you will need it soon, how about we start with a little history and humor about “The Important Papers”?

The Paper Chase

Toilet paper, as we know it, is a somewhat modern invention. It was patented in the early 1880’s by an Englishman named Walter J. Alcock. At first, there was little demand for paper on a roll. Pharmacies stocked the item under the counter, as it was an affront to Victorian sensabilities. However, Mr. Alcock promted the product continuously, and by 1888, hardware stores hade ‘toilet paper fixtures’ (roll holders) in stock and available for purchase.

What did people use, prior to TP becoming of common use, you might wonder? There are records of wealthy Romans who would use sponges, wool and rosewater. The rest of the populace would use whatever was available. Dried grass or leaves, sticks, rags, hay, and the often joked about corncob.

Royalty in the Middle Ages was fond of goose feathers (still attached to the neck) for this delicate cleaning task.

Speaking of corncobs, the poet; James Whitcomb Riley decided to commemorate the experience with the following;

“The torture of the icy seat, could make a Spartan sob. For needs must scrape the gooseflesh, with a lacerating cob.”

According to privy folklore, corncobs were often two colors. Dark red with brown, and light yellow and white. Standard procedure what to use a red/brown cob first, then follow up with a yellow/white cob. Based on results, you might need an additional red/brown cob.


T.P. by mail.

 
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