Chapter 74: Correcting A Mistake

January 28, 1988, McKinley, Ohio

“I think I made a mistake,” Lara said when we woke up on Thursday morning.

“Besides what we discussed last night?”

She snuggled closer and put her head on my chest.

“No, about that. I say we just toss the books and continue doing what we’ve been doing. The book made me curious, and I let my mind run away with erotic fantasies, but reality didn’t turn out to be anything like the fantasies.”

“Because I pushed back?” I asked.

“No, you were right to do that. Be honest, please, but you don’t really like anal.”

“No, I don’t. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the pleasure is there, but it’s not something I really want to do.”

“And the times you’ve done it have all been because the girl insisted, right?”

That was true — Tasha had demanded it, Clarissa had requested it as part of her experiments, and Elizaveta had demanded it because I’d done it with Tasha. And finally, Clarissa had, in effect, ordered Tessa and me to do it, and neither of us had protested.

“Yes,” I replied.

“I know you bought Elizaveta the flogger, but how did you feel about her using it?”

“That all depended on if she was upset with me about something, which was usually teasing her mercilessly about sex when we weren’t in a place where we could have it. I paid the price for that, but it was delicious!”

“You liked being flogged.”

“It was more the effect on Elizaveta than anything,” I replied. “Most of the time it was just ‘love taps’, but, occasionally, she’d hit hard enough to actually hurt. Weirdly, that could be erotic, but it had to be exactly the right circumstances. Elizaveta was good at deducing those.”

“Did you ever use it?”

“With express permission in a few instances. Do you actually think a Russian woman would give up control of what she called ‘something every Russian woman should have’?”

Lara laughed softly, “That does sound exactly like her.”

“I take it you’re asking because you have one in your bag of tricks? Along with some kind of restraints?”

“Yes, but I’m not sure we should use them at this point.”

“Then call last night an experiment, put the toys away, and if you want to bring them out, we’ll talk about it. I believe I made an error as well.”

“You? What error?”

“We should have had this conversation beforehand.”

“But could we? I mean, it was only after we each penetrated the other’s butt that we both came to what appears to be a similar conclusion. I think chalking it up to experimentation is the right approach, but I don’t know that this conversation would have been possible without that experiment. As for the discussion, I think we both know that good communication is the key to any successful relationship.”

“True.”

“OK to ask something very personal?”

“What’s more ‘personal’ than me putting it in your butt and you pegging me?”

Lara laughed, “When you put it that way...”

“Exactly.”

“What’s the difference between being with Milena and Deb versus Clarissa and Tessa?”

I should have known that Lara would put two and two together, and I wondered just how much she knew, or suspected, or inferred, about the other girls.

“With Milena and Deb, it was just sex, not anything more. Later, Milena and I bonded spiritually, and the sex was sublime. And that’s the key difference. Clarissa and I were spiritually joined before we physically joined, which is what allowed her to experiment. Weirdly, being with Clarissa and Tessa was purely spiritual, because of Clarissa, despite some fantastic physical sex between Tessa and me.”

“Interesting. I had always thought about the difference between emotional sex and physical sex, but I hadn’t considered the spiritual aspect. Now I understand something about myself, about us, and about what I said about the spiritual gap. It’s not just church, but about everything else, too. You have always viewed sex as having a spiritual component, even if it wasn’t always there. And you and I don’t have it, not because of you, but because of me.”

That got me to thinking and something jumped out at me that I had to articulate.

“I think,” I said carefully, “I know what happened with Sandy.”

“If you’re about to blame yourself, stop right now!” Lara said firmly, lifting her head to look me in the eye.

“I always felt we’d failed Sandy in some way,” I said. “So that feeling isn’t new. What is new is that I think I know why. I thought it was sex that was her source of stress relief, but she and Pete had a good sex life, from the inferences I could draw. I was wrong, though; it was the spiritual connection that was the actual source of her stress relief. I strongly suspect she didn’t have that with Pete for some reason.”

“I didn’t realize you two had connected at that level.”

“Neither did I until about sixty seconds ago. Jocelyn, Clarissa, Sandy, Milena, Kimiko, and Elizaveta are in a different category from all the other girls. You and I have a deep connection, but it feels more intellectual than anything, which, weirdly, is what we both need from each other.

“I’m sure Angie and I had a very deep spiritual connection, and that continued until she was forced into a drug-induced stupor by an idiot with a medical license. It might be there, but the drugs destroy her psyche in a ‘we had to destroy the village to save it’ kind of way.”

“Quick aside, you are focused on the psychiatrist, but you said Doctor Mercer is the one who told Angie.”

“After she consulted with the psychiatrist who is legally responsible for Angie’s treatment. Remember, Doctor Mercer isn’t a medical doctor, and while I think she should have kept her mouth shut, or spoken to me first, ultimately she had to tell Doctor Greenberg about something that was clinically significant. In the same way, Father Stephen should have called me, but he was following the protocols established by the bishop, and has to leave Angie’s mental health care to licensed physicians and licensed clinical psychologists. And you heard me give Doctor Mercer a piece of my mind.”

“But you also said you felt she’d change her mind.”

“I still do.”

“Anyway, setting aside the aside — the spiritual bond, besides Elizaveta, who was strongest?”

“Kimiko, for sure. Had she not decided to return to Japan, we’d never have broken up.”

“You liked being the octopus!” Lara teased.

“You like when I do that!” I chuckled. “Just be glad I don’t have tentacles!”

“When you think about it, that’s a pretty strange piece of artwork.”

“It’s so very Japanese, though. You went to Japan. Tell me that it wasn’t ‘other’.”

“It was. You really should go, though I guess that’s at least ten years off.”

“At least.”

“DA!” I heard over the baby monitor.

“I’m being summoned!” I chuckled.

Lara moved so I could get up, I got out of bed, put on a robe, and went to Rachel’s room. I changed her, then carried her downstairs to make her bottle. Once I’d done that, I brought her back to the bedroom and got into bed. Lara snuggled close again, though with her head on my shoulder as I was cradling Rachel, who was happily suckling her bottle.

“This is what Kari couldn’t handle,” Lara observed.

“It is. Rachel made her uncomfortable, which, if you think about it, isn’t odd for a nineteen-year-old college freshman. The stark reality of being a mom was too much for her to handle. I suspect she would have felt differently had she carried a baby to term instead of walking into a ready-made family situation.”

“And that is, in effect, the challenge some of the Orthodox girls can’t overcome because they aren’t ready for a family at eighteen or nineteen.”

“Exactly. Oksana, Dani, and Sara appear to be, but not the others.”

“Sara’s the only one who accepted the theoretical proposal, right?”

“She made the proposal! And Maryam more or less did the same thing, she was just more subtle, which fit her personality. Oksana would say ‘yes’ immediately, and I get the feeling Dani would, but we’re still doing the dance.”

“Vertical, not horizontal!” Lara teased.

“Correct. Hand me that cloth, would you?”

Lara handed me the soft cotton cloth, which I put over my shoulder so I could burp Rachel. With the air expelled from her stomach, I cradled her again so she could finish her bottle.

“Going back to before Rachel commanded your attention, do you think if you and Sandy had continued your relationship, it might have prevented her suicide?”

“It had to end, eventually, because she wasn’t interested in going to church except as an occasional thing, and that was more out of curiosity and being polite than any desire to develop her faith. I did try, even suggesting it as a way forward as a couple, but she wasn’t interested. So perhaps the end result would have been the same, but then again, if I’d stuck to my original plan of not marrying until after I finished medical school, things might have been different.”

“You’re positive she and Pete didn’t connect that way?”

“No, but I think it’s the most plausible explanation of why her stress levels were so much lower when she and I were engaging in ‘stress relief’ as opposed to when she began dating Pete.”

“I think, then, your decision will be based on which girl has the strongest spiritual connection, as well as a compatible expression of her spirituality.”

“Assuming, of course, I feel they would make a good mother for Rachel. I don’t see any warning signs from any of the girls I mentioned, but I haven’t spent enough time with any of them yet, except for Maryam, and until very recently, our interactions have always been models of complete decorum and appropriate to friendship. With her, I’m positive she meets all the criteria I have, or any I could think of, but presents a unique challenge to being a couple for the next decade.”

“I think it’s a bit deeper,” Lara observed. “Marrying her would mean your kids would be raised by a nanny. For the other girls, they would be home with Rachel. Despite what you’re required to do by circumstances, that is not your preferred way.”

“My preferred way would have been lying here with Elizaveta as she nursed Rachel,” I replied.

“Which is saying the same thing, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose it is,” I admitted.

“I think you need to carefully consider your needs, as well as what you believe Rachel’s needs are. You haven’t been saying ‘Rachel needs a nanny’ and she’ll be eleven before you’re both Attendings.”

“I hadn’t considered that, but, you’re right — ten years from now, she’ll be almost eleven. And I’ll be about to finish my Fellowship, or the equivalent.”

“I’m not trying to discourage you; I’m just trying to help you understand both yourself and what you want.”

“And I appreciate it,” I said.

“I’m going to ask a totally out-of-line question, but which one do you most want to sleep with?”

“I’ve expressly avoided thinking in those terms because I know myself too well! And I can’t imagine any of them would be prudish the way certain Protestant groups are stereotyped.”

“It’s too bad that idiot pastor doesn’t have a teenage daughter!” Lara smirked.

“Setting out to do something like that would be evil,” I replied firmly.

“But the revenge factor is over-the-top!”

“Potentially harming a young woman emotionally and spiritually merely to strike back at her dad is not something I’d even contemplate. I get what you’re saying, but I think you know me better than that.”

“Then send José to do it! He’s clearly keeping two hot women happy!”

I laughed, “That he is!”

“What happened with Dona?”

“They were serious enough to be discussing kids, and she doesn’t want any and is adamant about it. I knew that when we dated, but she and I were never going to be anything other than lovers, so it didn’t matter, though I did think she might change her mind. José said that she flat out refused, so they broke up.”

“And now he’s enjoying the groupies that are available to the lead guitarist in a college band!”

“I haven’t exactly avoided them myself!” I chuckled. “I just take them serially, not concurrently!”

Rachel finished eating, and after I burped her, I handed her to Lara, went to get the swing, and put Rachel in it so that Lara and I could shower.

“Afraid she’ll crawl away? Lara asked.

“She would, and even with the gate, I’d be concerned because I wouldn’t have eyes on her. I’m not paranoid, but there are too many things she could do, even with the outlets covered. And at five months, she has the same judgment ability about risk as the average teenage boy!”

Lara laughed, “As in zero?”

“Pretty much!”

Lara and I showered, dried ourselves, dressed, then changed the sheets on the bed. I picked up Rachel, Lara gathered the sheets, and we went downstairs. I put Rachel down and built a fire while Lara put the linens into the washing machine, then went to the kitchen to start breakfast. I joined her, stepping over the gate.

“You left her alone?” Lara asked.

“The great room is completely crawl proof. When she starts trying to stand, I’ll need to figure something out about the hearth. Maybe I can find some kind of longer slatted barrier I can put there, and secure it so she can’t fall and hit her head on the stone, or worse, manage to get onto the hearth.”

“You just need to think like a toddler,” Lara smirked. “Fortunately for you, being a guy, it’s natural!”

“Hardy-har-har,” I replied flatly.

“You’re the one who keeps mentioning all the little boys and teenage boys you treat, including Superman!”

“Medicine keeps me off the streets,” I chuckled. “Which kind of limits my opportunity to hurt myself by doing something dumb!”

We ate breakfast, hung out for the morning, and had lunch with Antonne. After lunch, he and I had our mentoring session and discussed study habits, as well as the prospects for his mom moving. It sounded as if it would work out, and she’d consider moving in June, after school let out, so Antonne’s siblings wouldn’t have to transfer in the middle of a semester.

Lara and Antonne left at the same time, and when Rachel woke from her nap, I gave her some juice, then we headed to Taft for band practice.

“Hi, Mike!” Michelle exclaimed as she approached me as I was passing the science and math building which housed the computer lab.

“Hi, Michelle.”

“This is Toby,” she said. “My boyfriend.”

Which explained why I hadn’t heard from her, though Katy had called to say that she and Michelle had spoken.

“Nice to meet you,” I said.

We shook hands.

“We have an assignment due,” Michelle said. “And I know you have band practice!”

I nodded, and they went up the steps while I walked to the humanities building. As usual, I left Rachel with Anicka, then went to the music room. I smiled when I saw Jose’s girls, but I wasn’t surprised to not see Kari. I remembered my conversation with Kari and spoke briefly to Kim about adding Kari on the violin for a pair of songs, and she suggested that Kari come to practice after our next gig so we could give it a try.

“For the Proms, we really need someone who can sing Endless Love with you,” Kim said. “I’m obviously dropping Up Where We Belong.”

“I never asked Kari if she sang,” I replied. “But if not, I think I could talk Milena into it, or make a trade of singing with her for a performance in exchange for singing at the two Proms.”

“Let me know,” Kim said. “Did you have any changes to the playlist I gave you last week for the concert at Stirred Not Shaken?”

“I did have two ideas,” I said. “Open with the James Bond theme, before Robby and Sophia do their thing. I think you can manage that because I’ve heard you vamp it.”

“I can. What’s the other one?”

“One I don’t have a solution for, but ending with Nobody Does It Better would be awesome. You only ever sing backing vocals, and that’s a song for a female lead. I think maybe we close with the Bond theme instead, unless you want to give a solo a shot.”

“It’s awfully late, so I don’t think we can do the Carly Simon song, even if, say, Kari could already sing it. We’re only two weeks away. I’ll put in the Bond theme as an intro and an outro. I can do it all on the keyboard.”

“Cool!”

“Where’s Kari?”

“She couldn’t make it today,” I said. “Shall we practice?”

“Yes!”

Two hours later, I collected Rachel from Anicka and headed home. Rachel and I spent time together, I fed her, and ate dinner. With no plans for Friday, I debated what to do, and decided it would be a good idea to take Oksana on an actual date, so I called her.

“Yes!” she exclaimed in response to my invitation. “I’d love to!”

“I can leave Rachel with Anna if you’d prefer it to be just you and me,” I said. “That would allow us to see a movie, if you wanted.”

“I don’t mind her being along, of course, but even a baby as content as Rachel seems to be probably wouldn’t do well in a movie theater! I’d like to see Moonstruck, if that’s OK with you. It’s a romantic comedy starring Cher and Nicolas Cage.”

“That would be fine. Let me call Anna to confirm, but either way I’ll pick you up at 5:30pm.”

“Do you need my address?”

“It’s in the parish directory,” I replied. “The same place I got your phone number!”

“Yes, of course!” Oksana replied with a soft laugh. “See you tomorrow evening!”

We said ‘goodbye’ and I flashed the switchhook, then dialed my in-law’s house. I confirmed with Anna that she’d take Rachel and she readily accepted, saying that Yulia would be very happy as well. I promised to have Rachel to her by 5:15pm, then we said ‘goodbye’ and ended the call.

Rachel and I attended Vespers, where I saw Kari, and had a chance to talk to her about joining the band to practice after our gig. She readily agreed, though when I asked her about singing a duet, she laughed and said there was a reason she played piano and violin. That meant I’d need to speak to Milena to see if she’d sing with me.

I left the campus and hurried home, and when Mark and Alyssa arrived a few minutes later, I left for the hospital for my final overnight shift in pediatrics. Technically, I had a Sunday night shift, but because I would start my psych rotation at 4:00am on Monday, Doctor Sumner had arranged for Lena to cover for me, even though she was Fourth Year and I was Third Year.