Chapter 136

Cassidy looked into the mirror. The lights were out in the room behind her, and the only light she had in the washroom was the soft red glow of the night light thing that was designed to be unobtrusive in the dark. It just cast a red glow over her as she slowly breathed and looked into her own eyes.

Robbie had been an absolute stud. He’d fucked Wanda exactly how she wanted and needed, and Cassidy had never been more fucking turned on by him. She wanted some of that - not all the time, but once or twice at least for sure.

Wanda was currently curled up next to him in the bed and the two of them were snoring softly. Cassidy had helped wash them both in the shower. Helped dry them off. Curled up with them under the covers, snuggling close as their body heat mingled and the two of them quickly drifted to sleep.

But she hadn’t fallen asleep.

Now she looked at herself in the mirror and judged herself.

“I hate you,” she whispered, looking into her own eyes.

Her heart ached.

Everything Cattie had said was true. Everything that her best friend had thrown in her face was true, and she knew it. Robbie was the love of Cassidy’s life. She’d known it since the App had told her so on that pool deck and she’d seen that her good friend wasn’t just a good friend. She’d had a crush on him before that. Had touched herself, late at night, thinking about him, but had always thought that Robbie was a fantasy. She’d never thought he would go for a weird, geeky girl like her who was a little too shy. A little too quiet. But he’d already loved her, and she loved him.

“I hate you so much,” she whispered again.

The guilt was a hole. A rip. In her heart, and in her soul. She couldn’t understand how she hadn’t felt it forming for those years she’d been so fucking awful. Every time she’d cheated on Robbie, she’d made it bigger. She’d ground the edges back. And when she realized it was there - well, it had ruined her. And she’d known she deserved it.

She’d spent a long, long time struggling to figure out how to fix that hole. She’d tried filling it with him, and that worked a bit. More than anything else. More than work, and hobbies. But it was still there, and when the hole seemed bigger than what he could fill she’d always fallen into that aching, guilt-ridden depression. And somehow he’d always climbed right into that hole and pulled her out without even knowing how or why he was doing it.

This trip was ... it was working. Maybe.

Probably.

Robbie still loved her. He’d said it, and she’d desperately wanted to cling to that, but when she saw it on the App again it was like re-discovering him that first time all over. But she also felt that gut-wrenching hole deep in herself whenever she saw him falter. When he broke down that first day the only reason she’d been able to hold herself together at all was Cattie. The hole felt raw and fresh all over again.