I could hear Matt in the kitchen and opened my eyes and looked around, as usual I had fallen asleep on the sofa again. I rubbed my eyes and walked over to see what he was cooking, although I knew it would be something obsessively dull and boring since he had started jogging recently. The smell of steamed broccoli filled the room and made me feel sick.

“How you can eat that stuff is beyond me,” I commented and walked to get a packet of cookies.

I knew I had started another rant from my annoying little brother about how important it was to put healthy food in your body and how much rubbish I eat. I tried not to listen and as I bit into a cookie I noticed some crumbs falling onto the floor and on my sweatshirt. I brushed them off and thought if Mum was here she would be nagging my ears off about keeping the place tidy. Since the whole covid 19 situation it was just me and Matt at home so we had to look after ourselves. Me being the oldest at 22 was supposed to be “left in charge” but responsibility was not a strong point of mine.

“For heaven’s sake Lauren, look at the mess you are making,” he childed, reminding me of exactly what Mum would say.

I just shrugged and ignored him and turned to walk back to the sofa. I had no motivation for anything at the moment and hardly knew what day it was anymore. This stupid lockdown was driving me crazy and all I seemed to do was eat and sleep. I had 5 weeks left until the deadline for my dissertation to complete 4 long years at university and I hadn’t even started it yet. I really have to sort myself out and do something I thought to myself.

“Jeez Lauren, have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?” he held back a laugh.

“You’re getting fat, there are more of your arse cheeks showing under those shorts than covered up” he actually let out the laugh.

I could feel the denim shorts were very tight and it was a struggle to actually fasten them this morning. I knew I had put weight on during the last few weeks but to have my idiot brother say something like that was out of order. A few extra pounds was not fat in the slightest. I turned to look at him and knew my typical redhead temper was boiling over. How dare he say something like that to me.

“Oh go screw yourself ... you fucking idiot,” I snapped angrily at him.

“Oh you mean like you do every night, you dirty little cow,” he snapped back

I could feel my eyes open wide and knew in a split second my face was bright red. I felt numb and sick and dizzy all at the same time as he said how the walls must be made of paper between our rooms as he knew exactly what I was doing. I couldn’t move a muscle as he carried on saying how I ought to keep the noise down and have some self respect making it so obvious what I was up to. I knew that I was having trouble sleeping and playing with myself did help but I had no idea I was doing it so loudly so he could overhear.

“And while we are at it, when was the last time you had a shower or brushed your hair and you have had that same grey sweatshirt on all week ... and it’s got coffee stains all down the front, you’re a disgrace!” he announced.

If anyone was listening I doubt they would think that it was a little brother scolding his older sister. I could feel my bottom lip tremble and tried to hold back the tears as well as my anger that he thought he had the right to speak to me like this. Despite the fact he was right I was determined to show he could not get away with it and felt my heart beating out of my chest as I walked up to him almost shaking with rage.

“How dare you speak to me like that, apologize right now or else?” I demanded

“No way, every word is true and you should apologize to me for having such a brat of a sister to put up with,” he replied.

The lid on my pressure cooker was well and truly off now. I know I look a little bookish and would never say boo to a goose and can tend to be quiet and shy at times but once I blow, I blow. Matt and I had our fair share of fights growing up and without exception I always got the better of them and this was going to be no exception. I pursed my lips and without warning took a huge swing with my right hand to slap him across the face. Whether he had just anticipated it or had lightning reflexes he ducked just enough for my hand to catch the top of his forehead and almost twisted my fingers as they made contact.

My first reaction was a shooting pain as the slap had jolted my hand on the hard bone of his stupid head. The next was disappointment that I hadn’t landed a good hard slap across his face like I intended. He reeled back a little and looked at me in shock. It had been several years since we had settled our arguments with a real actual physical fight. Then it was my turn to look shocked when I saw blood trickling down the side of his eye from a huge cut on the side of his head near his temple. My fingernails, which I hadn’t bothered taking care of for the last few weeks, had cut his skin. He must have felt the blood running down his face and lifted his hand up to touch it then looked at his finger.

“Oh god Matt, I am so sorry I didn’t mean it ... it ... it was an accident,” I said in panic.

“Oh yeah, you just accidentally try to slap someone across the face all the time don’t you?” he snapped sarcastically

He went to the sink and I got a cloth and told him to soak it in cold water and just hold it on the cut for a few minutes. I was feeling so ashamed of myself now and why did I think doing something like was anyway for a 22 year old woman to behave. I apologised again and gradually the blood stopped. He ignored me and went to get his fish out of the oven and put the disgusting broccoli on a plate and sat at the table. He was obviously not talking to me now and I guess who would blame him. I stood and for some reason, well guilt probably, I admitted he was right. Yes I had been not taking care of myself and not eating properly and not doing my fair share of the chores around the house. Also I knew I had put some weight on and hadn’t been keeping up with laundry and once again I was sorry for hitting him.

“So Lauren, all this time at that posh university. What is it you study? oh yes psychology and as soon as something doesn’t go your way you hit someone,” he looked up at me.

“I was 12 the last time you hit me, and my friend Luke was there, do you remember?” he asked